Fallout 1: A Day in the Life Epilogue 1 (TJ) (PG)

Originally posted 5/13/04

Thanks to everyone who said such nice things about my fic, A Day in the Life.... It was a long and very busy fic, and I really felt like there was going to be a lot of fallout from the events, especially among the Crichton-Sun children. So, this is the first in a series of epilogues, and focuses on John and his son, TJ, whose world has been turned topsy-turvey by the news of his father's twin. Not sure how many of these there will be, but Livvy and Merry will definitely each be getting an epilogue of their own!

Rating: PG (for some talk about sex)
Setting: some 20 cycles after BT, and the day after my fic "A Day in the Life...."
Spoilers: Through BT
Disclaimer: Not my characters, not my universe, no disrespect intended, and no money being made.....

You'll want to read A Day in the Life (link above, or here on this board) before reading this.

Many thanks to imloco2, shipsister and ShipsCat for encouragement while I was writing, and Casper F. Joke and MadScientist for the sanity check at the end! You guys are great!

A Day in the Life Epilogue....

Part the first, in which Talyn John Crichton learns more about the complicated life and love of his parents....

John Crichton kicked at an imaginary stone on the floor while he hovered, just down the corridor from his eighteen-year-old son's room.

He couldn't decide whom to blame for putting him in this uncomfortable spot. His favorite candidate was his old buddy Einstein, who'd sent him on the frelling expedition to Dam-ba-da Past in the first place, leading his children to ask difficult questions, which their mother, being the stand-up honest person that she was (not to mention a terrible liar), had answered truthfully...which in turn had led to his son leaping to upsetting -- but probably accurate -- conclusions about his parentage....

John scowled.

But in truth, if there was anyone to blame, it was John Robert Crichton, Jr. himself -- who had managed to love Aeryn Sun with all his heart and sleep with her at least once in all of his incarnations -- who was responsible for the fact that he was heading towards TJ's room for a conversation that was probably going to get messy before anything got settled....

Last night, in the kitchen, with everyone munching crispy grolak, and drinking sharp, tangy palaberry juice, he and Aeryn had elaborated on what she had already told the kids about his other self. They'd talked about how and why Talyn had been separated from Moya, about the call from the Ancients, about the weapon the other Crichton had built, about his exposure to radiation, and about his death. Aeryn even told them about how she'd "buried" him in Dam-ba-da's star, along with the copy of his Farscape module, afraid to leave his body buried on a planet somewhere where an enemy might dig it up.

Even though they'd talked for a couple of arns, they'd all avoided the elephant in the living room, or anyway, the kitchen: The fact that the other guy had been Aeryn's lover before the guy who was sitting there at the table with them.

And that was in deference to TJ, who'd just had his entire reality shaken up more thoroughly than a trip through an unstable wormhole....

The boy needed to hear about it in private, from his father.

John wished this were a duty he could leave to Aeryn. She handled the topic of sex so much more naturally than he did.... Hell, it wasn't as if the kids didn't know he had sex with their mother. Neither parenthood nor the passage of time had lessened their need for each other, or their enthusiasm, and the kids had learned in infancy to ignore sounds coming from their parents' bedchamber. But actually talking about sex in front of his children still put him in mind of his father giving him "The Talk" when he was barely 13, and it was hard to hide his embarrassment.

Besides, he'd already had "The Talk" with TJ. They'd survived. Barely. It had been all the more awkward because the only females on Moya at the time were TJ's mother and sisters, so it seemed a little...superfluous.... But the boy was growing up, and he certainly spent time away from Moya in the general course of their lives, and....

Aw, cut that out! he told himself. No fair rambling off on other topics! You've got a job to do!

In a funny way, though, this was kind of the opposite of "The Talk." More like, how not to have sex with the woman you love, and still end up with a fantastic kid who looks just like you....

But somebody had had sex, or TJ wouldn't be here today, and that meant that they were going to have to talk about it...somehow. John sighed. In the long run, what mattered was who raised you, not who contributed the sperm, and he figured TJ was level-headed enough to get there eventually, but in the short run, this was something the boy needed to work through.

John kicked at that imaginary stone once more and then stood up straight and covered the rest of the distance to TJ's room.

John cleared his throat and called, "Son?" That might not have been the most diplomatic thing to say under the circumstances, but as a bet, his subconscious was staking a claim.

The boy appeared almost instantaneously. No doubt he'd been waiting. "Hey."

John couldn't help but notice that that wasn't, "Dad." But, it wasn't "Go away," either, so, he figured he'd count his blessings.

They looked at each other for a few microts, still standing in the doorway. The expression on TJ's face, features so much like John's own at that age, showed hurt more than anger. John tried to figure out why. He knew he would be pretty pissed, himself. He cleared his throat. "Can I come in?" he asked.

TJ shrugged and stepped back to allow the older man entrance.

John followed him into the room and tried to think how he wanted to do this. Standing? Sitting? This was either going to be very brief, or very long.... "Okay, look. I know this is completely frelled up, but, I'm here to talk, okay. Why don't you just tell me what's bothering you most about this mess, and we can go from there."

TJ stared at the floor. No, glared was a better word. There was the anger John had expected. Finally he mumbled, "How could you do that?"

"What?" John asked.

The boy looked up at him. "How could you pretend all this time?"

"What do you mean, pretend?"

"That you're my father."

That stung a lot more than he thought it would, even though he'd been expecting it. "Nobody was doing any goddamn pretending, Boy!" he retorted. "There has never been a moment in my life when I didn't think of you as my son. My son!" He slapped himself in the middle of the chest. "Mine!"

Back ramrod straight, fists and jaw clenched, TJ challenged, "Then you're lying to yourself, not just me!" When John only stared at him, the boy said, "Mom doesn't even know who my father is!"

He probably didn't mean it the way it sounded, but it touched a nerve anyway, and dammit, he was not getting away with calling his mother a tralk! "The frell she doesn't," John exploded. "John Crichton is your father. What do you want me to say," he continued, goaded past civility. "That I wasn't the one who physically did the deed? That some other John Crichton had that pleasure? Well TJ, that happens to be true. But it also happens not to matter worth a damn!"

TJ visibly deflated under the assault, and his expression moved back from anger to hurt. Softly, he asked, "How can you love me like you do Livvy and Merry? They're your real kids. Merry's even got your frelling wormhole knowledge."

Oh, kiddo.... John sighed. He wanted nothing more than to pull the boy into a huge hug and say everything was going to be all right, but that wasn't going to be enough. This was going to call for a whole lot of explaining.... "First off," he said, gathering his thoughts, "you and Livvy had just as much chance of getting the damn wormhole knowledge as Merry did. She just got unlucky."

TJ was staring at the floor again, and he muttered, "Yeah, right. Like she isn't your favorite."

Remembering that this was more than teenage angst, John stopped himself from yelling, but he wondered where the "Mom always liked you best" attitude was coming from. Certainly Merry got extra time and attention because of wormholes, but he had a solid bond with all his children, including this one. But, he didn't think this was really about Merry. "I'm not going to dignify that with an answer TJ," he said, shaking his head, and the boy had the grace to blush. "But I'm going to ask you to sit down on the bed and listen to me for a while. You need to know some stuff about your mom and me before you can begin to understand where you fit into the picture, and it may take a little while."

When TJ complied with reluctance, John sat down next to him, leaving about a foot between them. This was going to be hard enough without giving the kid some space.

"All right," John began, hoping this was going to go all right. "Now, let me tell you a story. You've probably heard a lot of this over the years, but just listen, okay? I want you to understand something about your mother and me and the place you hold in our hearts." God, he was repeating himself already, and he'd just gotten started....

TJ nodded grudgingly, and stared at the floor. Well, that was okay, John wasn't quite sure he could do this face to face, either. He too, looked down at his feet.

He cleared his throat and began, hoping the fairytale setting would make it easier to talk about his complicated relationship with Aeryn to their son, not to mention get through the parts where there was sex. "Once upon a time, there was this boy. He's from this planet called Earth. And it's a backward place, and so primitive that no one on this planet had ever been farther from home than their moon. But it was home, and he was happy there.

"And then this boy, he falls through the rabbit hole, and he ends up in a cell on a Leviathan, being examined by a bunch of weird-looking aliens who are pretty darn hostile.

"And in this cell is a beautiful girl. Turns out she's also a prisoner, and he's so relieved to see someone he can relate to, he goes over to introduce himself.

"And this girl, she beats the crap out of him, because she's a Peacekeeper pilot, and she thinks he's a PK deserter...."

John glanced over at TJ, who was looking at the wall across from them, but who at least seemed to be listening, not that any of this was really news to him yet. "Now. Fast forward, not very much time at all.... The boy and the beautiful ex-Peacekeeper pilot are attracted to each other -- a lot.

"But he's busy trying to figure out how to open the doors, and she's trying to figure out how to live without rules and how to deal with all those pesky emotions she's been told all her life she shouldn't have....

"So they fumble along, getting to know each other, and getting closer and pulling back, and getting in and out of trouble along with the rest of the aliens.

"One night, when they're both scared drenless and they think they're gonna be dead the next day, they even get close enough to, uh, to sleep together." John winced at the euphemism, but he didn't want to just say they had sex, like it was just recreation.

"And it is....wonderful," he risked adding, because it had been, and because it also might have been when TJ was conceived, and he should know that it meant something.

John could hear the boy's restless shuffling, so he just plowed on with the story. "And that night confuses the hell out of her, and that confuses the hell out of him, and they go back to the same old dance.

"But they're making progress. They both know that it's only a matter of time before they're going to get it together.

"Hell, they've even said those three little words, even if they're still holding back some because of some other dren in their lives.....

"And then, one day, poof, there are two boys...."

Now he looked up and caught his son's eyes. "They look alike," he said. "They talk alike. They both remember Mrs. Patterson's third grade class, and Mr. Jingles in the flue, and Dad, and chocolate and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. And they both remember that night with the beautiful ex-Peacekeeper pilot....

"And this pisses them both off a lot, because they both know that they are supposed to be unique in the universe.

"But the universe likes screwing with them, or maybe it's just trying to keep them from killing each other, and in less than a solar day, poof again! One of them is on the Leviathan running one way, and the other is on a hybrid gunship, running the other way, hoping that the big bad Peacekeepers won't catch either one of them.

"Now the girl, she's on the gunship.

"No choices, no decisions made.... She's just trying to protect a little ship that she loves very much."

John could feel the tension in TJ then, across the short distance that separated them. He let his son search his eyes, see the truth in what he was saying. "No harm, no foul."

They were both silent for a moment, with those words hanging between them, and then John cleared his throat and went on, still hanging onto the fairytale phrasing, for a little while longer. "And then, in the fullness of time, the girl figures out that she really needs the boy in her life.

"And the boy who's there with her, he loves her. He's done this whole dance with her, same as the boy who's back on Moya. And what's he going to say? No?"

There was a long pause when both Crichtons, father and son, chewed on their lower lips. John finally looked at the floor and said softly, "And the boy and the girl on the little gunship.... They were really happy."

His throat was tight, but he knew he had to tell the boy about not just the other guy, but himself as well. "And I won't lie to you, TJ. I was here on Moya, alone, and miserable, worrying that they were doing exactly what they were doing...because I knew, if it had been me instead of the other guy, I sure as hell would have been, if she'd have me...."

"Weren't you angry?"

He shrugged, trying not to get too deeply into this part of the story, but glad that TJ was asking questions. "I figured they'd come back, and I'd have my chance to win her back from him in a fair fight, if you want to call it that." Yes, he'd been that stupid.... He forced a wistful smile onto his face. "But he died, and your mom, she took it really hard, and it really frelled things up between us for a long time." Okay, that was a vast oversimplification, but.... "But I loved her, and she loved me, and eventually, we sorted it all out." Which was even more of an oversimplification....

TJ had been looking down at his feet again, and he finally looked up and asked, "What about me? Mom said she was pregnant at Dam-ba-da. Did they have a baby on purpose?"

God, where was Aeryn when he needed her? This should have been her question, but their son was asking him, and it was best to answer him. John scrubbed his hands over his face, pressing the heels of his palms into his eyes. That was likely to have TJ on his guard, but...there was no easy way to say this. "No. It was way too dangerous a situation to bring a child into intentionally. Your mom thought she had the birth control angle covered, but, uh, obviously, at some point, she didn't."

TJ looked disappointed, as anyone would be to be told they were an accident. "What do you mean, 'at some point'?"

John cleared his throat again, and reminded him, "It's actually possible your mom was already carrying you in stasis from that time a couple cycles earlier. Prob'ly wasn't, but it's possible. We weren't exactly getting regular medical checkups in those days."

"Oh. Yeah. Mom told me that, I forgot."

John cocked his head and smiled wistfully at his son. "Has to have been that first time, though, or on Talyn. Never mind the DNA tests, you only have to look in a mirror to see you're a Crichton."

They sat side by side for a little while, at an awkward pause in the discussion. TJ didn't seem satisfied, but he didn't seem to know what he wanted to ask, either, and John didn't want to bring up anything the boy didn't want to talk about.

Finally, though, John took a deep breath and said, "I think what started this conversation was the problem of me, being your dad, when technically I wasn't at the conception."

TJ looked at him, face carefully neutral. He'd never mastered his mother's PK mask, but it was close enough....

John stifled a sigh and continued. "The microt I knew Aeryn was pregnant, I knew that her baby would be mine. I loved her, and I knew that I loved her baby, even if the father might be someone she knew before she met me, which it could have been."

"But--"

"That you turned out to be mine, genetically, was just icing on the cake. Maybe, if you hadn't looked like me, if your genetic father had been someone else, we might have thought to tell you about him. But TJ, the only way your mom and I could deal with the whole extra me thing was to believe that John Crichton is John Crichton is John Crichton."

TJ thought about that for a while. "But it wasn't you," he said just a little plaintively, unwilling or unable to wrap his brain around the unity.

Well, that was hardly surprising. It was a hard-won understanding for himself and Aeryn, too, and the boy hadn't even had two solar days to deal with it. "It sorta was me if it happened that first time." He shrugged. "I 'remember' it, anyway. And if it had been me on Talyn with your mother, the result would have been the same, Teej," he said, reaching out and touching his son's upper arm, trying to hold his attention. "A difference that makes no difference, is no difference."

Tears filled TJ's eyes, and John thought they were tears of frustration. This time John yielded to the impulse to pull the boy sideways into a hug. TJ allowed it, and John imagined he was battling to keep the tears from falling.

It occurred to John that maybe they were beating a dead horse at this point. It might be better to give the kid a chance to absorb this on his own.

"Son," John said softly, "I know this seems really important to figure out right now, and I get that. I get that it sucks, too, because it's really fahrbot. If you saw this story in a vid or a movie, you'd say the writer'd been ingesting a whole lot of really illegal dren. But let me tell you something, from my perspective as a father, and also as a son." He paused for a few microts, wondering how to say this without sounding self-serving. In the end, he just went with it. "At the end of the day, kiddo, your father is the man who loves you, and who raised you. Nothing else matters." He gave the kid another squeeze and let go of him. Standing up, he looked down at his son. "I love you, TJ," he said softly, and turned to leave the room. He was halfway to the door when TJ's voice stopped him.

"Dad?"

John turned around.

Still sitting on the edge of the bed, TJ looked at him for a moment, then swallowed as if to get his throat working. "I love you too," he said, and bit his lower lip.

"I know you do, Son," John said, and gave him a smile. He turned again and headed out the door.

Click here for Fallout, Part 2.