Truce

Summary: Not much plot... just a J/A interlude
Time Frame: Some time post Natural Election
Rating: Strong PG-13

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She knelt lightly by the side of the bed and stared at him, careful to match the depth of his breathing so that the senses he's developed since he entered her world wouldn't notice a difference in the airflow and wake him.

She didn't want to do that yet.

Right now she just wanted to watch him, face slack in repose, the muscles of his chest unbunched by stress or determination, breathing calm and unhurried. Right now she just wanted to be close without feeling the distance.

But soon that wasn't enough, and it wasn't why she'd come in the first place. Night cycle was getting on and if she was going to do this it had to be now.

She levered herself higher on her knees and ran a hand down the air above his face, stopping when she felt the warmth of his breath pulse lightly against her palm.

When he didn't move she then ran her other hand across his body until it hovered above where his right hand lay open just below the pillow. Winnona lay beneath there. Beneath where her head should be her cold steel lying in wait for the solid comfort of his touch and for the first time in her life she was jealous of a gun.

She paused to let uncertainly wash over her for a microt and then let both hands drop and whispered his name.

"John?"

He arched against the restraints before his eyes even opened, his head pressing up off the pillow and his fingers flexing upward.

She waited until he saw her and then let go of his mouth.

"Jesus Aeryn I could have ..."

"I know."

His fingers relaxed, signaling his acceptance of her presence, she released his hand as well and sat back on her heels.

"What's wrong?" He asked wiping the sleep out of his eyes and instinctively half sitting up in the bed.

She wanted to say everything. What had happened before she'd left Moya, what had happened while she'd been gone, the way things were since her return. All of it was wrong, fractured out of sync. But that would open doors she was not yet prepared to go through so she simply shook her head and said

"Nothing."

He ran a hand through his hair and stared at her a moment curiosity and apprehension warring for space on his sleepy face. Curiosity won out.

"Then what is it?"

"I,.. I just ... I wanted to..."

"What? Talk? dance, yell, what?" Solitude it seemed had eroded his patience.

She looked at him again feeling the wall building and the distance pushing her away seeing it in his eyes and tenseness of his jaw as he looked at her and she blurted out the first thing that came to mind.

"I want a truce."

That gave him pause and pause made him look at her closely and she saw something like pity cross his face. His voice when he spoke was devoid of anger for the first time since she�d been back.

"We aren't at war Aeryn."

"Yes we are."

He snorted at that. "Over what?"

"Your heart."

He closed his eyes at that and his fingers moved restlessly over the covers as though searching for something.

"Not now Aeryn. It's the middle of the night, we've had a long day, with an even longer one coming tomorrow and I'm tired and I can't deal with this now. I can't deal with ... you ... now."

"I know." She nodded understanding him perfectly. "It's why I want a truce."

"You're speaking in tongues Aeryn. Which is worse than speaking in English. I haven't a frelling clue what you mean."

She pulled herself up to sit on the edge of the bed and leaned in close enough for his breath to stir the edges of her hair.

"I mean this," she whispered and traced the fullness of his lower lip with her tongue.

And he must have been tired, or his head still befuddled by sleep because for ten microts he didn't push back. For ten full microts he let her sink into his mouth and remember what it was like to taste John Crichton. Ten microts and then he shoved her away.

"Don't do this. It's wrong."

She tensed but she didn't back down. She'd said this was a war and a soldier doesn't back down in the face of the enemy.

"I know."

"Then why?"

"Because ... I need to ..."

"To what Aeryn? Recreate?"

That stung but somewhere she had learned to fight fire with kindness so she threw it right back at him.

"It was never recreation with you."

"That wasn't me. It ..."

"It was. You were the one who taught me the difference. Three and a half cycles ago in a room in the rain. Everything was recreation until then."

His breath drew in sharply and she knew she�d scored a point but this wasn't a game so she took no pleasure in it.

"Sex isn't our problem Aeryn. So it can't be the answer."

"I'm not looking for an answer, I'm looking for a truce."

He sighed dejectedly. "What would be the point?"

She shifted closer to him on the bed ignoring the tightening of his leg muscles as her hip brushed against it.

"You told me a story once, not long after you first came aboard Moya. You were missing some Earth holiday and you told me the story of one of your Great Wars. In this war the opposing sides were missing the holiday too. They were cold, and they were tired and they had forgotten what they were fighting for. So for one day they stopped fighting and called a truce. They came out of their trenches and they shared their food and stories of their families. For one day things were good again."

"And I remember asking you what the point was. Nothing was solved; they went back to fighting and killing each other the next day."

"And you told me that maybe there wasn't a point. Maybe it just made them feel better and that was enough. Or if there was a point it was this. For one day they they remembered friends and family. For one day they had peace. And that reminded them of what they were fighting for. By doing something good, they could keep facing the bad."

He laughed at her ruefully, "I never thought you listened to me back then. I was so lonely and scared I was talking mostly just to remind me of who I was."

She reached out her hand and ran her thumb over his left temple, in the place where there was no scar. His eyes fluttered at the contact but he didn't pull away.

"Oh I listened John. I listened and in spite of myself I learned. And I think we both need reminding of just what it is we're fighting for. I know. You don't, and I think you need to see."

He blinked at her and his fingers subconsciously traced shapes on her hands where they were planted on either side of his hips. "A warrior needs clarity," he mumbled, "And I'm not clear where you are concerned."

She reached out and caught his chin in her hand. "Do you love me?"

"You don't get to play that card again Aeryn."

"It's a simple question."

"I do. But love isn't what we got wrong either."

"I know it isn't. I failed you. You don't trust me. That, we got wrong somehow but love is the one thing we got right. And I need to know that John, I need to feel it. We both do."

She leaned in again and this time when she sought out his mouth it lasted more than 10 microts and the Peacekeeper in her ached to force him down and wrap herself around the hardness beneath the soft cloth covering his body but she was not Grayza so it was she who pulled back this time.

His head flung back and hit the wall and his eyes closed. "God, where's Granny when you need her."

Now it was her turn to be confused. "What? What does Noranti have to do with this?"

He shook his head, "Nothing. Aeryn, what you want. It will just complicate things further. In the morning ..."

"In the morning I will go back to my quarters and you will stay here. And at some point later we'll talk. And you'll remember and I'll remember just what it is we're fighting for. And maybe if we do that we'll take the time to get it right instead of hurting each other and running away."

"Aeryn"

She caught his hands before he could push her away and held them there by the wrists in mid air.

"If you ask me to.. I will leave. Just look look me in the eye and tell me that's what you really want."

It hung there between them. Everything they had been to each other, everything they could be. It stretched there between them like and over tensed thread.

She didn't know who moved first. Only that they met in the middle his hands suddenly on her face and his mouth bruising hers. She pushed back just as hard her fingers raking along his sides before pushing him down and sliding atop him in one smooth motion. She pinned his hands to either side of her and leaned down to bite gently at his lip.

"Don't rush." she whispered.

He lay there beneath her for a microt and then flipped her easily and now it was she who was stretched out with her hands above her head. She let him undress her, understood his need for control. Her plan, his rules. She could live with that.

"We fit" she thought, as his hands skimmed her stomach and found her breasts. "No matter how bad things got they still fit". They belonged to each other, she knew that now. It was up to her to see he knew it too.

And then there was no thought only sensation. His mouth, his hands, the feel of him inside her. It was both new and familiar and it took her to places she'd half forgotten existed. She could drown in him and die happy. Or stay with him if he'd let her, and never leave his side again.

She lay there wrapped around him after words, his body a comfortable weight she did not let him divest her of. And when he went to move she held him tighter.

"Don't. I'm not ready to let go just yet."

"Me either," he said but he rolled them anyway and then pulled her face up to his.

"Sorry?" He asked his face grim.

"You know I'm not."

He relaxed a bit. "So what happens now?"

She shrugged lightly and clamped her knees more tightly against his thighs.

"I go, or I stay. It's up to you."

"And in the morning?"

"There are some things ... You need to know. About me. About what happened while I was on Talyn. About why I left and why I stayed gone so long. I think I'm ready to tell you if you are willing to listen. But I'm warning you. Everything I have to say you may not want to hear."

She listened to his heartbeat while he pondered that, the slowing rhythm sliding her towards sleep better than any lullaby.

"Is it going to hurt me, what you have to say?"

"Some of it might."

"But it will be the truth."

"It will."

"Then I will listen."

"When you do you remember this. Remember that no matter what I tell you. No matter what I've done. I did all I knew how to at the time. And I never stopped loving you. Never."

"I know. We'll handle it, whatever it is. I want to."

"But what if ..."

"Shhh," his hand found her hair and the combination of its steady strokes and his beating heart made her grasp on consciousness quite tenuous.

"I know what I'm fighting for."

She relaxed at that. It�s all she'd really wanted. A reprieve from the pain. A reminder of what could be if they fought hard enough, tried hard enough.

A truce.

In the morning they'd fight again. Each one searching to overcome the damage they'd caused. It wouldn't be easy and it would be a long time before they would be this way again. But it was O.K. she would wait.

She knew what she was fighting for too.