The Princess and the Pantak Jab

Summary: Once upon a Farscape
Rating: G
*response to a challenge by Reefrunner who asked that we write a 'future fic' where John and Aeryn tell thier child a fairy tale and keep interupting each other in the process.

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"Story Momma," said Jerryn Crichton Sun bouncing up and down on the bed. "Story."

"Alright," Aeryn stated resignedly. "But only if you stop bouncing and get into bed."

The boy, who was a few moens short of five cycles old, bounced three more times in direct defiance, flipped once for good measure and then landed with a plop on the bed.

Aeryn shook her head, "Just like your father," she mumbled slightly perturbed.

"What?"

"You're just like your father," she said a bit louder this time, "can't do anything I tell you right off. Have to do it your way first."

"Huh?"

"I told you to stop jumping and you didn't, you flipped. Just like your dad."

Jerryn looked confused, "Dada didn't teach me to flip, Auntie Chi did."

"Jerryn that's not the....," Aeryn paused and looked at the saucer sized blue eyes staring back at her and gave up, "never mind, just get in bed."

"Story Momma," he said again as he scrambled under the covers.

"O.K. Let's see..." Aeryn hunted around the room until she found a book and handed it to Jerryn. "How about this one?"

Jerryn took one look at the book and flung it across the room. "No Momma, that's Auntie Jool's book."

Aeryn raised an eyebrow. "So?"

Jerryn stared at his mother, "It's mafmanical feery, Momma," he said in a voice that clearly indicated that his mom was thick in the head. "That's for lessons, not for storytime."

"Oh," Aeryn said lamely. She never understood Jerryn's attraction for Jool and she thought a little boy who could barely draw his own name far to young for Mathmatical Theory. But Jerryn seemed to enjoy it and it did free her up for an ahrn or two so she didn't complain too strenuously. "Well I'd better choose another then."

She picked up another book. "How about this one?"

Jerryn shook his head, "No, that one's Uncky D'Argo's book about the Luxan Battle of Ternag Four. He's read it to me a million times already. I know it by heart."

"O.K. how about this one?"

Jerryn shook his head again, "Nuh-uh, that one's about different kinds of money, it's boring."

Aeryn frowned, "Money, who the fr...who gave you that?"

"Rygel."

"Ah," Aeryn flung the book and it sailed across the room to join the mathematical theory one in the corner. "I'll have to have a talk with him about that." She looked around. "Well that's all your books Jerryn, I don't know what to read you."

Jerryn looked up from the toy he'd managed to sneak into bed with him. "Don't read then Momma just tell me one."

"Just tell you one? What? Make up one from off the top of my head?"

Jerryn shrugged. "Dada does it all the time."

Aeryn stared at her son. "He does not."

Jerryn began to bounce again, from a seated position this time and nod vigorously. "Yes he does, he tells the one about the Princess and how she got hurt by the mean Knight and the Super Captain went down and saved her by getting her a pap-oral nerve."

"Oh well..." Aeryn paused and then her eyes narrowed.

"Paphoral nerve?"

"Uh-huh."

"Tell me what was the Princess' name?"

Jerryn began to giggle. "Princess Aeryn silly, the Princess is always named Aeryn."

"I'll bet she is, and what was the evil Knight's name?"

"Larak"

"Ah... and the Super Captain, what was his name?"

"Captain John."

Aeryn reached out and grabbed the bouncing boy by the shoulders to still him. "Tell me Jerryn, does Dada tell you a lot of these stories?"

He beamed at her. "Yup. My favorite is how Super Captain John came a long time ago from a galaxy far far away and rescued Princess Aeryn and Moya and everybody from the evil Peacekeepers with his Super Move the slingshot."

"Super move?"

"Yup, and she said he was her hero and kissed him." He paused, "But I don't like that part much."

"She KISSED him?"

"Uh-huh," Jerryn nodded. "Super Captain John always saves everybody and Princess Aeryn ALWAYS kisses him in the end. But ..."

"I know," interrupted Aeryn dryly, "You don't like that part much. Tell me Jerryn. What's Princess Aeryn like?"

Jerryn thought very carefully before answering. "She's pretty and she's soft and she does this a lot," He batted his eyes very fast and clasped both hands under his chin and sighed.

Aeryn let go of her son and clasped her hands into fists. "Does... she .... Really?" she gritted out between clenched teeth.

Jerryn who had started bouncing again stopped, his face full of concern. "What's the matter Momma, you look mad"

Aeryn snapped to immediately, "Oh no Jerryn. I'm not angry.... At you anyway. It's just that your Dada's been telling you a lot of stories that he hasn't been telling me and I'm going to have to chat with him about it."

Jerryn's face lit up with astonishment. "Dada tells you stories too Momma?"

"Oh yes," Aeryn replied, but further conversation was cut off as John walked into the room.

"Hey Sport, I thought you'd be asleep by now."

Jerryn scrambled out from under the covers, bounced a few times and then launched himself at his father who caught him with a grunt and a smile.

"No Dada, Momma's gonna tell me a story, I already told her about yours."

John's smile froze. "You did?"

"Yes he did," Aeryn's voice was slightly frosty. "I find the adventures of Princess Aeryn and Super Captain John very.... Interesting. You'll have to elaborate .... Later."

"Ah," said John as he carried his son back across the room and deposited him on the bed. "Is there any way I can get out of this gracefully?"

"No, but like I said, we'll talk more about it later. Tuck Jerryn in, I've figured out a story to tell him."

John complied and Aeryn settled herself on the bed and began.

"You see there was this..."

"Once upon a time Momma," interrupted Jerryn.

"What?"

"It has to start once upon a time."

"Why?"

Jerryn shrugged with both palms pointed skywards, "Cause that's the way it is," he said as though it were self explanatory.

John suddenly got very interested in Moya's ceiling.

"O.K." Aeryn conceded. "Once upon a time there was a great Warrior named Aeryn."

"No Momma, Aeryn is the princess."

"Not this time."

"But Aeryn's ALWAYS the Princess."

John took one look at Aeryn's face and interceded. "She's a Warrior Princess Sport. She can be a Warrior Princess right?" John looked at Aeryn with a touch of desperation in his voice.

"I've never heard of a Warrior Princess."

"You've obviously never met Xena."

"I like a warrior princess Momma," supplied Jerryn helpfully.

Aeryn sighed, "O.K. then. Once upon a time there was a Warrior Princess named Aeryn. She lived in a big castle that floated high above the sky. And she had a great ship that the king of the castle gave her to fly in and she used it to protect the castle and all it's inhabitants."

"All by herself?"

"All by herself, "

"Did it have guns mommy?"

"Of course it had guns Jerryn, what kind of a Warrior Princess would she be if she went around unarmed?"

"Just checking,"

"So as I was saying," Aeryn continued. "Warrior Princess Aeryn protected her castle from any who would harm it but that got very boring so she decided to go off and seek her fortune elsewhere."

"But if she were a princess," broke in John, "she'd already be rich and not need to seek her fortune.

"John?" Aeryn asked with a rather fixed smile, "Are you telling this story or am I?"

"You are babe,"

"Then please shut up and let me tell it."

Both father and son began to giggle at that but nodded obediently and settled back against the head of the bed.

"Anyway. Warrior Princess Aeryn went off to seek her fortune. And she flew far and wide and had many adventures that we'll get to on another night. But after a while something went wrong with her great ship and she had to land."

"Where?" asked John

"What does it matter where, on some planet."

"If you're going to tell a story Aeryn," John said with a vain attempt to keep his face straight, "you have to pay attention to detail, it's important."

"IM-PORTANT" chimed in Jerryn nodding enthusiastically. "What planet Momma?"

Aeryn stared at the identical blue eyes and innocent faces beaming at her with mock seriousness and then gave in and began to laugh. "All right all right you win. It was the Planet..... Rygelous."

"Lemme guess," said John, "It was a commerce planet right?"

"Exactly. Now once she landed Warrior Princess Aeryn went in search of someone who could fix her ship. She searched high and low but no one it seemed had the part she needed nor the knowledge to fix it. She was just beginning to despair when the last person she went to told her of a strange man that lived in a castle high on a hill who might be able to help.

"Who is this man?," asked Warrior Princess Aeryn, "and why is he strange and living in a castle?"

"Shhhhh," said the man, "lower your voice we're not supposed to talk about it. It's cursed you see."

"Cursed," asked Warrior Princess Aeryn.

"Yes," replied the man, " You see he was the greatest tech our planet had ever seen. There wasn't anything he couldn't build or fix and he was very very famous. But he had one really bad problem."

"Wait a minute," interrupted John. "What's cursed?"

"Excuse me?"

"What's cursed? The castle or the Tech dude, you haven't made that clear."

Aeryn's brow furrowed for a microt," Oh, sorry. Um.... They're both cursed"

"Both?"

"John!"

"Alright, I'm sorry, go on."

"So anyway the tech had a really bad problem which was that he simply couldn't keep his mouth shut."

"What?"

"He simply couldn't keep his mouth shut." Aeryn enunciated slowly and with great exaggeration for John's benefit. " He was always telling everybody exactly what he thought whether they wanted to hear it or not and it kranked everyone off. They put up with him because he was a good tech, but about 50 cycles ago he insulted a great wizard who had come to get his transport fixed. The wizard was so upset that he was going to kill the tech on the spot but the people of the planet begged him not to do so. You see they were afraid that if he did, then no one would be able to fix anything when it broke and the planet would fall in to ruin and disrepair."

"And did it, momma?" Asked Jerryn.

"Did it what?"

"Fall into ruin and dis-er-pair?"

"I'm getting to that Jerryn just wait."

"O.K."

"Well the great wizard took pity on the people of Rygelous and gave them an out. He said I am going to curse the tech shop and all the people in it. They will fall asleep and no one will be able to wake them until one comes who can complete the three tasks I will set forth. If they can complete the tasks then they will be able to enter the tech shop and wake the tech and his workers."

"Wow," said Jerryn suitably impressed.

"Wow indeed," agreed Aeryn. "Now Warrior Princess Aeryn took another good look around her and noticed something strange about Rygelous. For a commerce planet it was in a very sorry state. All the stores had broken windows and no lights, the restaurants all served cold food, and everyone stank because the hot water generators had broken down 10 cycles ago and no one had known how to fix them."

"Well," said Warrior Princess Aeryn to herself, "There's no way I can stay here. I hate cold food and the smell alone would kill me within a moen. I'd better find this tech and wake him up."

"So," she asked the man, "what are the three tasks that I have to complete and where do I have to do them? And hurry up would you I haven't got all day."

"Uh hun?" interrupted John timidly.

"What is it NOW?"

"I hate to interrupt you baby when you're on a roll and doin' so well but um.... Does the tech have a name? I mean it's kind of impersonal not to mention.... insulting that he doesn't have a name."

Aeryn smiled, "His name..... was ..... Jack."

John stared at her. "That is not clever Aeryn."

Aeryn's smile grew wider. "Yes it is. If I had wanted to be NOT clever I would have named him John."

John opened his mouth to argue and then remembered that he had to share a bed with this woman in an ahrn or so and that it might not be best to upset her any further and shut it again.

"So what were the three tasks Mommy?" asked Jerryn with a muffled yawn.

"Well, the man didn't know," she replied. "But he told Warrior Princess Aeryn that she could go and ask the old wise woman at the top of the hill. Her name was....."

"Noranti?" interrupted John.

"No," said Aeryn between clenched teeth. "Her name was ....Pilota, and if you mention that bit....that old witches name in my presence again I won't be responsible for what I do to you."

"Still haven't forgiven her for the Lakka incident, have you?"

"Still haven't forgiven her for a lot of things...," Aeryn broke off and stared at her son who had buried his head in a pillow and was laughing uncontrollably. "Jerryn what's so funny?"

"You almost said a bad word Momma."

"I did not."

"Yes you did you almost said bit...." The four year old was cut off by his father's hand cupping his mouth. "Back to the story kiddo. So Warrior Princess Aeryn went to see the great Pilota?"

"Yes. The great Pilota lived in a nasty swamp and Warrior Princess Aeryn had to cross it on foot as there was no boat."

"Did animals live in the swamp Momma?"

"Of course, great fearsome ones with tentacles and lots of slime. But Warrior Princess Aeryn wasn't afraid. She simply trudged through the swamp and shot off the head of any yucky animal that got in her way. Eventually she came to the house of the wise Pilota. She banged on the door and after a few microts someone let her in.

"I'm here to see the great Pilota." She said. "Well I hope so said the servant who let her in. Cause if you didn't you just made a really horrible trip for nothing. Go in through that door. Pilota will see you now."

"So Warrior Princess Aeryn went in to see the great Pilota and asked her if she remembered the three tasks that had to be completed in order to get to the tech shoppe and wake the tech and his workers. And the great Pilota... who was very old, asked her why she wanted to wake up such a rude and upsetting young man as the tech. She said that life was much more peaceful since they'd put him asleep and she wasn't really sure if she wanted him woken up."

'But Warrior Princess Aeryn explained that she really needed the tech to fix her ship and if he was truly a horrible person then she could just kill him after she'd finished with him and things could go back to being peaceful again."

"AERYN"

"I said she COULD kill him John, I didn't say she would."

"Alright."

"After thinking awhile the great Pilota agreed. "Here are the things you have to do," she told Warrior Princess Aeryn."

"First you have to trek to the top of the mountain of......" Aeryn trailed off and looked puzzled.

"The mountain of what Momma?" asked Jerryn impatiently.

"The mountain of....."

"Uh Mount Doom babe," John injected softly, " you forgot it's Mount Doom."

"Mount Doom?"

"Trust me," John said, "It worked wonders for Tolkien and it's much easier to pronounce than Kazak-Dum and cooler sounding than Gondor."

"John what are you talking about?"

"I never told you about the Fellowship of the Ring? Oh man that one was Epic, I mean..."

"MOMMA, DADDA STORY!!!" Their son's injured cry brought them back to the here and now.

"Sorry Jerryn," Aeryn apologized. "Mount Doom it is."

"So Warrior Princess Aeryn had to go to the top of ... Mount Doom and retrieve the golden Harp that the three.... Vorcs had hidden there. That was the first task."

"And the second task was.... Um," Aeryn paused again.

"I've got a few ideas if you're stumped babe," said John helpfully.

"No," Aeryn cut him off immediately. "I'm getting the hand of this now,.... Just let me think a moment.... Right. Then you had to take the golden harp to the forest of..... Ancient..... trees. The forest was very dangerous because the trees weren't really trees at all but creatures that looked like them and they would eat her. But if she played the harp they would all go to sleep and she could get past."

"Aeryn are you sure I never told you about the Tolkien story?"

"No."

"How about Harry Potter?"

"Who?"

"Never mind."

"I never do. Now as I was saying. After she put all the trees to sleep with the harp she had to go in the forest and in the middle of it was the lair of a creature called the.......um, Montana."

"Montana?" John couldn't hide the incredulousness in his voice.

"Did I stammer?" asked Aeryn coldly.

"Honey, Montana's the name of a state on Earth... and although it's very pretty, lots of amber waves of grain and purple mountain majesties and all that, it's not very exciting... let alone monstrous... the creature can't be named that."

"I think it's scary sounding Momma," interrupted Jerryn who had crawled out from under the covers and was now lying with his head on Aeryn's lap and his feet on John's. "The horrid MONTANA I like it."

"Well there we are," Aeryn smirked at John, "You can't argue with that."

John simply sighed.

"Anyways" continued Aeryn, "The great Pilota told Warrior Princess Aeryn that once she found the horrid Montana she had to do battle with it and it would be very hard because it was almost invincible. But there was a riddle near the Montana's lair that would help her figure out it's secret weakness and if she could figure it out then she would be able to defeat the Montana, but if she didn't the Montana would surely defeat her and Warrior Princess Aeryn would die a horrible death."

"Oh no!" Jerryn looked concerned.

"Don't worry kiddo," whispered John, "You ma...Warrior Princess Aeryn is very smart. I'm sure she'll figure out what to do."

"Yes," added Aeryn "Warrior Princesses are very smart. There hasn't been a monster that's defeated one yet."

Jerryn relaxed and the worry on his face was replaced by an approving smile. "This is good Momma," he said. "Monsters, and warriors and cursed stuff... and no kissing. I like this story."

Aeryn leaned down and deposited a quick awkward kiss on her son's forehead. "I'm glad. Now shut up and let me get back to the story. I'm on a bowl."

John winced, "Babe?"

"What?"

"Um....Nothing. Have you noticed that your eye twitches when you get nervous?"

"It doesn't twitch when I get nervous John, it twitches when I'm in poor temper."

"Oh."

"So," continued Aeryn, "So after writing down what she needed to do, Warrior Princess Aeryn thanked the great Pilota and set out for Mount Doom."

"Oh good an epic journey" said John.

Aeryn glanced down at her time piece. "No it's a little to late for an epic journey, you'll have to take the Readers di-guest version instead."

"Digest Aeryn,"

She stared. "I thought that's what you did with food."

"Well you do babe but..... never mind."

Aeryn shook her head. "26 characters, 26 sounds. It should be easy. I think the Bhaktan language of the people of Kahmin Ra is easier to pronounce and it takes 42 cycles to just learn their alphabet."

John laughed. "I won't argue with that."

Jerryn sighed with impatience and Aeryn continued.

"So after traveling a long distance and...... killing many things, Warrior Princess Aeryn came to the base of Mount Doom. It stretched a Metra in each direction and was twice again as high. It would take her a moen at least to climb it and out in the elements with no place to stop for food or water she would surely die."

"Oh no," gasped Jerryn.

Aeryn reached down and stroked her son's head. "Never fear Jerryn, your father was right about one thing. Warrior Princess Aeryn was very, very smart. She knew that the giant....Charida bird was known to nest in the.....big trees that grew around the base of the mountain.

Jerryn frowned, "I don't think I've ever heard of the Charida bird Momma."

"Well of course you haven't," Aeryn retorted. "You're four, do you think you've heard of everything yet?"

"Well..... no."

"Then let me finish the story."

"O.K."

"Right. Now the great Charida bird loved to eat people. And it especially loved to eat Sebaceans. To the Great Charida bird, Sebaceans were like, like.... Recces Pee-cees to Uncle Rygel. It couldn't get enough of them. It flew over the valley below Mount Doom at least four times a day looking for scrumptious Sebaceans to eat."

Jerryn's eyes went wide. "But we won't ever go to a planet where it lives will we Momma?"

"Of course not kiddo," John interrupted grabbing his son's feet lightly, "The Great Charida bird is just made up, it's not real."

Jerryn looked doubtful. "Are you sure?"

"Of course," said Aeryn. "And even if it was real the great Charida only likes full blooded Sebaceans like Momm...like Warrior Princess Aeryn. You are only half Sebacean. It would lick you once and then spit you right out."

"Ewwwwww,"

"Well it's better than getting eaten," Aeryn said with mock seriousness. "Now back to the story it's getting late."

"O.K."

"So Warrior Princess Aeryn began to run around until she was all oiled up with sweat and..."

"I like this part," said John with a salacious grin.

Aeryn gave him a look of great disgust. "Get your mind out of the gutter... at least until Jerryn's asleep."

"Well you're the one who brought up sweaty." John sulked.

"And for good reason too," continued Aeryn. "You see the Great Charida bird could smell the sweat and that's how he knew there were Sebaceans around. It wasn't long until a particularly big one came swooping down on Warrior Princess Aeryn, talons extended."

"But it didn't eat her did it Mommy?" asked Jerryn whose eyes were now the size of saucers.

"No it didn't eat her. Because Warrior Princess Aeryn was prepared."

"She was?"

"Yes. And so when she great Charida bird went to grab her she shouted at it.

"Wait!" The bird screeched but since it wasn't used to its prey talking to it other then to scream in abject terror, it got curious and decided to wait.

"Look," said Warrior Princess Aeryn. "I'm not going to try to talk you into not eating me. You're a very big and fearsome bird and I can see it would be useless to try. But I've got one thing to ask of you first."

"The bird screeched again... but with a curious tone this time."

"Babe does the bird have translator microbes?" asked John casually.

"What?"

"Well I mean you've got it understanding WPA and all and I just wondered...."

"It is genetically engineered to understand all languages," grit Aeryn through clenched teeth. "And who the fre.... Who the heck is WPA?"

"Warrior Princess Aeryn," replied John meekly and reminded himself of his earlier vow to keep his mouth shut.

"Momma almost said another bad word," Jerryn was cackling with delight.

"I'm sorry Jerryn, your father brings that out in me sometimes. So anyway, Warrior Princess Aeryn told the Great Charida bird that she only had one request before she died. And that was that he carry her up to the top of Mount Doom before eating her. She had heard that the sunsets were particularly spectacular from up there and she wanted to see a sunset one last time."

"Well the great Charida bird considered that for a few microts and then with a shrug of its should....I mean with a shrug of its wings it nodded and picked up Warrior Princess Aeryn and flew up to the top of Mount Doom."

"Oh mommy how does she get out?"

"Well. Remember when I told you that Warrior Princess Aeryn had a lot of adventures before she came to the Planet Rygelous?"

"Yeah," said both John and Jerryn.

"Well during one of those adventures she learned that the great Charida had only one weakness."

"Which was?" asked John as he reached around on the shelf above Jerryn's bed and grabbed some stale Hetoth candy and started to munch on it.

"It was horribly ticklish."

"Ticklish?"

"Yes," said Aeryn. "And hardly anyone knew that because who is going to tickle a great bird with big wings and horrid claws and even more horrid breath. You're going to run like heck to get away from it or try to shoot it or something. You're not going to try to tickle it unless you're insane.... Or slow."

"Makes sense." Conceded John.

"So Warrior Princess Aeryn waited until the Great Charida bird had her right above the nest of the three Vorcs.... Who happened to be out hunting so they weren't there to see her flying in.... and when he got close enough to the ground so that she wouldn't hurt herself she began to tickle him on the tummy.

"Well the Great Charida began to squawk but it couldn't defend itself against the horrible tickling so it eventually had to let her go. And she fell into the Vorc nest and was lost from sight and the Great Charida had to fly away without eating her."

"Nice one Aeryn," said John with a smile, "You saw the problem of the Vorcs being there and seeing her and you solved it... I'm impressed."

"Well," said Aeryn whose face took on a self satisfied grin despite herself. "I knew you were going to notice that so I was prepared."

"What's a Vorc?" interrupted Jerryn

John began to laugh, "It's an ET sort of looking thing. Unintelligent, about Rygel's height, with a fat belly and funny shaped head."

"It wasn't unintelligent John."

"Aeryn it had a fondness for humping your leg."

"JOHN!!"

"Well it did."

"You've been known to hump my leg John. Does that make YOU unintelligent?"

"Oh not fair, I was drunk and it was dark and...."

"What's humping?" asked Jerryn looking from one adult to the other.

"NOTHING" they said in unison and with a look agreed to let that particular argument go.

"Now," said Aeryn getting back to the matter at hand. "Warrior Princess Aeryn looked around the Vorc nest for the magic harp she would need to make the trees in the great forest go to sleep so she could find the horrid Montana. But the vorcs were VERY messy."

"How messy Momma?"

"More messy than Uncle D'Argo and Aunt Chi and Rygel put together."

"Oh wow" Jerryn looked suitable impressed

"Yup, they were that messy and they smelled worse than the Torellian bat poop down on tier ten."

"Yuck,"

"Yuck indeed. And as much as she searched she couldn't find the magic harp. She was just about to give up when she looked out of the window..."

"The NEST had a window?" asked John incredulously

"Yes," Aeryn retorted. "What proper nest wouldn't?"

"Ahhhhh"

"I thought so. Now she looked out of the window and saw the three Vorcs coming home. And before you ask yes they had names. Larry, Moe and .....um.... Curlet."

"Don't you mean Curly babe?"

"No, the third Vorc was a female."

"Oh."

"So Warrior Princess Aeryn slipped into a closet in the nest and waited to see what happened. And what happened was that the Vorcs were very upset that something had fallen through their roof and made a big hole."

"Well would you look at that," said the Larry Vorc. "Something has torn a big hole in our roof. Curlet you'd better fix that."

"Well Curlet didn't look to pleased at having to climb up to the top of the nest and fix the roof but she did as she was told. And no sooner had she finished then the Moe Vorc came up to her.

"Hey Curlet, you need to get dinner started, we're hungry."

"And when Curlet asked why couldn't he cook dinner himself he told her it was because, are you ready for this Jerryn, she was a GIRL. And it was a girl's job to cook."

"No! He didn't Momma," Jerryn looked aghast.

"Yes," Aeryn said solemnly. "He did."

"And did she punch him Momma?"

"No he didn't Jerryn, and that puzzled Warrior Princess Aeryn greatly. She'd never seen a female... well anything, let males treat her like that. But Curlet Vorc did everything that the Larry Vorc and Moe Vorc told her too. She cooked the dinner, she washed the dishes, she made the beds, she threw the trash from the dinner into a corner on top of the other trash. And all the Larry and Moe Vorcs did was sit around in their undershorts drinking Felip Nectar and burping."

"Dadda does that," said Jerryn.

"Yes," said John. "But I would never make your mother do the dishes."

"So what did Warrior Princess Aeryn do, Momma?" Asked Jerryn with a yawn.

"Well she waited until Curlet Vorc came out to rip off some branches for the other Vorcs to sharpen their teeth with and then she approached her.

"Hello," Said Warrior Princess Aeryn.

Curlet Vorc looked at her and sniffed the air. "Hello yourself. What do you want?"

"Nothing really," said Warrior Princess Aeryn, "but I couldn't help but notice how hard you are working."

"So," said Curlet Vorc.

"Well, it's actually none of my business.... But I was wondering...why?"

Curlet Vorc stopped picking branches off the trees and looked at Warrior Princess Aeryn like she was slow. "What do you mean why?"

"Well," Said Warrior Princess Aeryn, "I looked at the other two Vorcs and they don't seem to be missing any arms or legs and yet you are doing all the work. Why is that exactly?"

Curlet Vorc let the branches drop to her feet and chewed on a very long claw while she thought about that for a while.

"I don't know really," she said after a moment's reflection. "I suppose because it's always been that way."

"Humm," said Warrior Princess Aeryn. "That doesn't seem fair. Doesn't it make you angry?"

Curlet Vorc thought about that for a while too. "I suppose it does," she said. "But what do you suggest I do?"

"Well," said Warrior Princess Aeryn. "I usually leave when people take me for granted. Take off and go someplace new. Let them do their own work for a change."

Curlet Vorc thought so hard about this that her ears began to wiggle. After a long time she said, "You know I believe you're right. I SHOULD let Larry and Moe do their own work. I haven't had a vacation in over 60 cycles. I ought to tell those two to take a hike."

"That's right," said Warrior Princess Aeryn and gave her a high five.

"But," said Curlet Vorc, "I haven't got a way off the planet, what should I do?"

"Oh that's no problem," said Warrior Princess Aeryn. "I'm only going to be here for a few more ahrns myself. I'll be happy to give you a lift."

"You would?" said Curlet Vorc in amazement.

"Of course," said Warrior Princess Aeryn. "Jirl Power and all that."

Aeryn paused as John doubled over with laughter.

"What?"

"Nothing baby," replied John when the gasping stopped. "I just love the way you talk."

"Oh," Aeryn gave him a look as though she didn't quite believe him.

"So anyway. Warrior Princess Aeryn told Curlet Vorc that she would give her a ride off the Planet as soon as she got her ship fixed.... but she would need something as payment. When Curlet Vorc said she didn't have anything to give her, Warrior Princess Aeryn told her that was alright, she'd take that battered old harp someone had told her the Vorcs possessed.

"Well Curlet Vorc was unsure about this at first since the magic harp actually belonged to Larry and Moe. But in the end she agreed. So Warrior Princess Aeryn took the magic harp and sent Curlet Vorc back to the town to wait for her by her ship." Aeryn stopped looking very satisfied with herself.

"So what happened then Mommy?" asked Jerryn rubbing at his eyes hard with one hand.

"Well then she used to magic harp to make the creatures in the forest of Ancient trees go asleep so she could get to the Horrid Montana."

John shifted a bit, "Wait that's it?"

Aeryn stared at him, "Huh?"

"She just played the harp and they went to sleep?"

"Yes, that was the deal. You played the harp they went to sleep."

"What no great battle? No, no, Warrior Princess Aeryn almost getting caught and getting out in the nick of time? They just fell asleep? How boring is that?"

Aeryn sighed, "John if I don't finish this story quickly then somebody ELSE is going to fall asleep before I'm done."

John looked down at his heavily blinking son, "Ah, I see. Lead on McDuff."

"So Warrior Princess Aeryn put the ancient trees to sleep with the magic harp and walked to the forest to the lair of the Horrid Montana and..."

"What did the horrid Montana look like Momma?"

"What?" asked Aeryn as she slowly slipped the sleepy little boy under the covers again.

"Whatdidit look like?"

"Oh, well it was really, really, horrid. It was almost as big as a transport pod and smelled like Uncle D'Argo after he's been eating Tinka buns."

"Ewwwww,"

"Yes, and that's the third Ewwwww this story, I must be doing good."

"Very good Momma."

"So Warrior Princess Aeryn snuck up to the lair of the great Montana and looked at the words that were written over the door."

John clacked his tongue in annoyance. "Since when to nests and lairs have doors Aeryn?"

"Since I started telling stories. Now shut up, I'm almost finished."

"O.K."

"And the words written across the lair door were...um, Beware all ye who enter here. Hereth lieth the Horideth Montana beast..eth. Harken ye unto the riddleth to kill him or .... Die yourself a horrible death...eth."

"You still reading that Shakespeare my sister Livvy gave you aren't you babe"

"I told you Shakespeare was the draddest. I don't know why your people haven't deified him yet."

"I'm sure they're working on it hon."

Jerryn yawned another big yawn. "Momma finish."

"Right. Well the riddle went like this.

"If you want to kill the Montana, you can not use a ... rifle. For slaying the Montana is no um.... Mere trifle. The beast is strong and er... fearful but mastery over it you can have. You simply have to fell it with a ....." Aeryn stopped and looked at her son and John expectantly.

"Well?" she asked.

"Well what?" Both Crichton men said simultaneously.

"Well finish the riddle, I'm sure I gave you enough clues."

"Well babe," said John. "I'm real impressed you made it rhyme even if it was badly but I can't think of what you could be ref..."

"Oh I know, I know," shrieked Jerryn suddenly wide awake.

"You do?" John looked at the four year old completely flummoxed.

"Course I do daddy."

"What is it?"

Jerryn looked at his mother. "Can we sing the song?"

Aeryn smiled. "Yes we can."

"P is for Pantak," Aeryn and Jerryn started singing, "That's good enough for me. P is for Pantak, that's good enough for me. P is for Pantak that's good enough for me. Pantak, Pantak, Pantak starts with Peeeeeeeeeee"

John stared at mother and son as they began to applaud themselves. "Aeryn that is supposed to be C is for Cookie. How many times have I told you NOT to mess with the Sesame Street. It's sacred."

Aeryn waved dismissively in John's direction. "The Kooky monster is not useful. Pantak jabs are. I just want our son to be prepared for real life."

John groaned, "I hate to see what you've done with School House Rock."

Aeryn smiled, "I've come up with some great lyrics for Conjunction Junction. Remind me to tell you when we've got some time."

John grabbed the pillow from behind Jerryn's head and buried his face in it.

"You're absolutely right Jerryn. The secret to overcoming the Horrid Montana was giving it a Pantak Jab... under the chin. So Warrior Princess Aeryn walked into the lair and did battle with the horrid beast. It wasn't easy and she even got hurt... just a little bit, but in the end she was able to Pantak Jab the Montana and it fell dead at her feet."

"Wow," said Jerryn.

"Yes. And Warrior Princess Aeryn was then able to get the key to the tech shop out from under him and..."

"They all lived happily ever after," said John.

Aeryn shook her head, "Not yet."

"Oh, sorry."

"After she got the key Warrior Princess Aeryn went and unlocked the tech shop and after going through a great amount of dust and Wolaxian Spider webs, she found the tech and his workers. They were all awake but very groggy and quiet, except for the Tech Jack. He was griping about how messy his shop was, and what was with all the Wolaxian Webs and how long had he been napping and why was everybody around looking sleepy and not hard at work.

"Well Warrior Princess Aeryn tried to politely get Tech Jack to..."

"I thought he was a Super Tech Baby," said John with a smirk.

Aeryn shot him a dirty look, "Alright Super Tech Jack. She tried to get Super Tech Jack to be quiet long enough to explain to him what had happened, but he wouldn't stop talking long enough for her to do it. So she tried again and again until finally she had to yell SHUT UP!!!"

"And when he did she explained to him that he and his workers had been under the curse of a great Wizard for over 50 cycles.

"50 cycles," said Super Tech Jack turning to stare into a mirror, "It can't be that long I don't look anywhere near that old."

"And Warrior Princess Aeryn agreed that for an old man he still looked pretty good, if a bit worn around the edges. But 50 cycles it had been."

"I'm not worn around the edges," said John slightly miffed.

"Is your name Super Tech Jack?" asked Aeryn with an arched eyebrow

"Well, um no not technically speaking but we both know that the reference for that charact..."

"Then why are we having this discussion?"

John gaped for a moment and then decided to forget it. "You're right we aren't having this discussion."

"Thank you. So as I was saying before I got so rudely interrupted, Warrior Princess Aeryn let Super Tech Jack know what had been going on and then asked him if he'd fix her ship."

"Sure" said Super Tech Jack, "and since you broke the curse I'll give you a discount and only charge you 2000 Cretmars."

"Well that didn't go over very well with Warrior Princess Aeryn who thought that Super Tech Jack should do the work for free. Then Super Tech Jack argued that he had to make a living and Warrior Princess Aeryn argued back that he wouldn't have a living to make if she hadn't broken the curse... he'd still be asleep. Super Tech Jack screamed that that was no way to treat a hero, he was the only person who could fix her stupid ship. And Warrior Princess Aeryn screamed back that he was some hero if he was going to charge the person who'd saved his life to fix it. And so it went on until the two of them were in a great shouting match and..." Aeryn trailed off as a soft snoring sound let her know her son had fallen asleep.

"I guess we'll have to finish tomorrow," she said ruefully. "He's out."

John nodded and slowly extracted his left arm from behind the small boy's head. "Yeah, he is at that. But you can finish the story for me. Who wins the argument?"

"Warrior Princess Aeryn of course." Aeryn looked slightly insulted that John had suggested anything else.

John reached over his sleeping son and gently started fingering a tendril of Aeryn's hair. "And how does she do that?"

"Humph," said Aeryn.

A half smile tugged at John's mouth as he leaned in towards Aeryn's face, "What's the matter don't you know?"

"Oh I know," said Aeryn leaning back, "But Jerryn doesn't like that part."

"It's O.K. Momma," slurred Jerryn who had half opened one eye and was blearily looking from one parent to another. "It's how all the good stories always end. Besides, I don't think I mind... just this once."

"Well there you go," said John whose half smile had stretched into a full grin. "You can't argue with that. Warrior or no warrior, tech or no tech, Princess Aeryn always kisses the hero in the end."

"Always?" said Aeryn.

"Always," said John.

And so she did.