Catfight

I see some people are putting up their first fics, so I thought I'd dig up some truly *ancient* fic. This is the first little piece I wrote. The second was lost to eternity (really, I don't have a copy) and the third was the tremendously long Traveller's Song...tremendously long for almost a first fic, anyway.

This is set right after HOTR, obviously.

Catfight

Author: Shipscat

It all started with the eggs. Aeryn came into the kitchen, looking for breakfast, to find Chiana cooking omelettes. D'argo and Crichton were eating like greedy pigs. D'argo had little bits of yellow egg yolk on his chin tattoo.

"Would you like some?" Chiana asked brightly. "I put some dried kiva meat in them and a bit of fresh herbs and vegetables we picked up on that last planet."

"They're really good, Aeryn," John said, wiping off his plate with a bit of food cube and putting it in his mouth. He handed his plate to Chiana for another helping.

"No, thank you," Aeryn said stiffly. "Food cubes will be fine."

"Well, you don't deserve any anyway," Chiana said, stung by the rejection. "You left the kitchen a mess after the kiva barbecue."

"*I* left the kitchen a mess?" Aeryn said, her voice rising. "Crichton's the one that butchered the infernal thing!"

"Well, you were the one that carved it, and the carving knife is ruined because *someone* didn't clean it properly."

"Uh, play nice, girls," Crichton said ineffectively, his mouth full.

"Maybe *someone* thought someone else should clean it up since she got to go to the planet while I had to stay and save the ship and starve and try to avoid becoming a Delvian dinner!!!"

"Oh yeah, well I was just trying to get food for-"

"THAT'S MY UNDERWEAR!!!" Aeryn had gotten close enough to see the elastic waistband sticking out over the top of Chiana's tight pants. "I've been looking for those!"

"They aren't yours. You stole them from Crichton," Chiana said smugly.

D'argo and Crichton exchanged glances.

"Well, he stole them from some guy named Calvin first. Now give them back!!!" Aeryn yelled, grabbing at the wiastband. Instantly Chiana was on the table, shaking the spatula in her hand at Aeryn.

"Should we separate them?" D'argo whispered to Crichton. "I think we should lock them in," Crichton whispered back.

Aeryn vaulted onto the table. Chiana levitated to even higher ground, clinging to the shelf above. Crichton quickly reached over and turned off the grill, which was starting to cook the sole of Aeryn's left boot.

"Ha! You're a thief!" Chiana cried. "You might think you're better than me, but you aren't!"

Crichton said quietly to Aeryn, "Dahlin, can I see your gun?" Aeryn took the gun out of her hip holster and handed it to him without taking her eyes off Chiana. He then unbuckled her ankle holster and removed the second smaller weapon. A shower of crackers fell on his head as Chiana threw a canister at Aeryn.

"Aaagghh!!!" Aeryn said. "You're a thief and a trelk!"

"Just the knives, John?" D'argo said, poking around in the silverware drawer. "No, take the whole drawer," Crichton answered. "You haven't seen what Aeryn can do with a fork!"

"You always call me that! I HATE that! Every time you get mad at me, you call me a trelk!"

"Trelk, trelk, trelk, trelk, trelk. trelk. TRELK!!!"

Aeryn reached down and picked up the remaining eggs. With deadly accuracy, she hit Chiana right between the eyes. Yellow and white goo dripped down her white nose. Just then, Chiana noticed Crichton and D'argo sneaking away. "D'argo," she whined, "aren't you going to save me?"

D'argo shrugged his shoulders and fled with the silverware. Crichton and D'argo leaned against the locked door and let out a collective breath. "Uh oh..." Crichton said. "Forgot something." He ducked back in. "You never appreciate anything I do!" was heard through the open door. John could see Aeryn ineffectively jumping for Chiana's foot, which she was swinging just out of Aeryn's reach. John reappeared, locking the door behind him and handing D'argo his plate. "I'm not sure about this, Crichton," D'argo said. "Aeryn could kill her with her bare hands."

"She's gotta catch her first," he replied, stuffing his face with eggs. Both men went off in search of a quieter place to eat breakfast.

All five eggs had mortally wounded Chiana, or what would have been mortal wounds if they had been a different kind of projectile weapon. Her cleavage was covered with albumen, and her hair was sticky. As Aeryn jumped for the foot she was swinging, she dumped the container of braughliss flour on Aeryn. Aeryn choked and sputtered as flour covered her from head to foot.

Chiana threw her head back and laughed. Aeryn glared at her and said, "Well, you look pretty stupid, too. Why don't you come down from there and we'll see how you look with some flour on those eggs?"

"I'm not coming down until you're gone," the egg-covered Nebari said prudently.

"Well, fine!" Aeryn said, striding to the door, only to discover that it was locked. "PILOT!!!" she said. "Unlock this door."

"I'm sorry, Aeryn," he said. "Commander Crichton told me not to unlock this door for another half an arn, no matter what happened."

"I am not going to spend another half an arn with this trelk!"

"Aeryn, I really don't like it when you call me that," Chiana said calmly, trying to wipe egg out of her eyes.

Aeryn turned around to regard chiana, sitting safely on her perch, still well out of Aeryn's reach.

"Well, it's accurate, isn't it?" Aeryn said challengingly.

"Sure is," Chiana said, with a sad smile. "That's why I don't like it."

"Well, I don't like it when women use men to get what they want," Aeryn said unrelentingly.

"You don't like it because you don't know how to do it," said Chiana. "Don't you think I'd rather be able to fight to protect myself? But I'm small, and I'm not very tough, and I do what I have to do to survive. How is that so different from you?"

"It's not," Aeryn admitted, sitting on a chair and trying to dust herself off. "But before you came here, I didn't have to worry about whether I was... um .. pretty enough, or.. you know, acted like .. a girl."

"You're jealous of me?" Chiana said in surprise. "Have you looked in a mirror lately?"

Aeryn looked up at her from under her flour-covered hair. She had a 'you're kidding me, right?' expression. "I don't see anybody drooling over me, do you? Do you hear anyone saying "Shazam" when I walk by?"

"You mean, do I hear Crichton saying that, don't you? I know you don't have to worry about him, you've got that boys mivonks in your pocket. You really should do something with them."

Aeryn turned away and busied herself getting a rag wet, which she threw up to Chiana. As Chiana started cleaning herself, she suggested, "Why don't you ask him? One of the reasons guys pay attention to me is that I ask for it. Just ask John if he thinks you're attractive."

Aeryn looked at her, considering her words. "You can come down now, Chiana. I'm not going to do anything to you. I'm sorry I lost my temper."

The two women busied themelves cleaning the kitchen until their time-out was over. Both Aeryn and Chiana were ashamed of themselves for wasting food after the long famine they had just been through. Before they left, Aeryn said, "If you want me to give you some pointers-about fighting, I mean- I would be happy to teach you." "Thanks," Chiana said, looking very happy.

Sometime later, Aeryn found the boxers, freshly laundered and folded, lying on her bed. Chiana was right, she decided, and took them to John's room. He looked really puzzled.

"You can keep'em, Aeryn. I know you like'em, and Im getting used to the Peacekeeper shorts now," he said, with a lopsided grin.

She smiled back and turned to leave. Changing her mind, she turned around and asked. "Do you think I'm pretty?"

"Gorgeous, babe, just like always," he said. "Even with flour in your hair."

Aeryn looked so nonplussed that he wondered if the translator microbes had said something really strange.

Aeryn tried again. "I know that Zhaan is very beautiful. I see that Chiana has men looking at her all the time. I just wondered, if you thought I was, you know, if you would ever say "Shazam" about me."

Now John was looking surprised. "I can't believe you're serious. You are serious, right? You don't have any idea how beautiful you are." he said, shaking his head.

He took a small step forward, kissed her lightly on the lips, and whispered in her ear, "Shazam, shazam, shazam."