Lost (PG)

Date originally posted at Kansas: January 19, 2003
Replies: 24
Views: 1077

Very short scene. It's just something that had to come out. Thanks to AC for the beta. You don't even want to know what it looked like before. *g*

Rated: PG
Summary: Short scene between John and Aeryn
Disclaimer: Nothing here is mine. Merely snurched for a while.

"Lost"

He sat still as stone, only his eyes moving as they looked around him at the gifts laid out at his feet and he wanted to cry.

Candy bars. Pens. Paper. Jeans. A tape recorder. A dozen other things that shouldn’t be here in this place. Wouldn’t be here without her.

The boxes had shown up in his quarters with only a note attached.

Why had she done it?

That was a stupid question. He knew why. She did it because she loved him. And he loved her for that. And hated her for it. Love, because no matter what happened he loved her too, thought of only her, wanted only her. Hated, because it was impossible and this made it so much harder.

Harder to push her away, harder to forget. Damn her for picking out just the right things. Things she knew he’d want. Things he never had the chance to get for himself. The only things from Earth he had now except… he glanced over at the small velvet box on the table.

He picked up a pen and turned it over and over in his hand, thumb clicking the end, in, out, in, out…. The gifts. She knew him so well. The thought almost made him laugh. Of course she knows you so well Johnny boy. She was with you for half a cycle. He must have made sure she knew you through and through. He would have made every moment count and poured a score of years into that half cycle. He would have.

He did.

And now she wanted him. She was waiting for him to trust her. But this wasn’t about trust anymore, or getting stories straight. He didn’t need her to spill all her secrets to him. Nobody knew better than he did that some secrets you have to keep. The baby hurt the most of course. Cut the deepest. But she had been in pain then too and not thinking straight. He could wish that she’d trusted him, but that was all water under the bridge now.

A movement at the door caught his attention and he looked up into smoky blue eyes.

“Speak of the devil.” It was a raspy whisper, but she heard.

She cocked an eyebrow. “What is this…devil?” She came in and sat down next to him on the bed, almost touching, but not quite.

“It’s….” He shook his head. It was too complicated to explain.

She accepted his silence as she accepted everything these days.

“Are these… all right?” Her boot sent a piece of paper fluttering to the floor.

John lifted his head to look at her. Saw the confusion, the hope, the fear on her face. This meant a lot to her. That he like it.

He smiled softly. “Yes. It’s all right. It’s more than all right…I...” He ducked his head to stop himself from being lost in her eyes. But the pull was too great and he found himself lost again. “Thank you.”

“I...” Aeryn stopped and then started again. “I..I wanted you to have…” Her throat seemed to close on her words.

“I know, Aeryn. I know.” He took one of her hands in his, the softness of it startling him. He had forgotten how soft her hands where. Or had he ever known? He couldn’t remember anymore. All he could do now was feel. Feel the smoothness of her skin as his hands moved upwards on her arms. They moved under the sleeve of her shirt as far as they could go and he watched as her eyes closed helplessly.

Helpless.

No, he couldn’t do this.

He touched her hair.

So why was he doing it?

Because he might die if he didn’t.

He moved his head closer to her until she felt the electricity shooting between them and slowly opened her eyes. God, the look in her eyes. Like she wanted to sing him to sleep and eat him alive all at the same time. He felt the blood rushing to places better left unfilled. But he was as helpless as she was in this.

Weak. Helpless.

This thing between them left them both that way. Aeryn had been right when she’d told him that ‘...emotional attachments in battle distort your thinking.’ He was in a battle and would be for a long time, if he lived. He hadn’t understood then, but he did now. He couldn’t afford her. She made him weak. Even the drug didn’t always do the trick.

She bit her lip, suddenly uncertain, and he wanted to tell her that everything would be okay. God, he wanted everything to be okay.

But how could he save the frelling Universe if he couldn’t even control himself with her? If he thought of nothing but her? Put her first? He had to be strong for the sake of them all. That's what the other had done wasn’t it? Only he’d had it easy. All he’d had to do was give up was his life. He had to give up the one thing more important to him than that.

Aeryn.

Her lips parted and he could almost taste her.

He had to give her up.

He smelled the light fragrance of her hair and felt her fingers softly stroking his cheek as he bent forward.

Helpless.

He had to give her up.

He didn't even notice his tears as his lips touched hers and he was lost.

They were all lost.

The end.

Chris
imloco2